Them and They

When i sit down and think about my friends sometimes i draw a blank, people around are nice, but is that true. Everyday I have a struggle with someone who I just don't know if i feel the same way about. I've had so many troubles with them that now I'm confused. I never thought that I'll have this problem because it seems as if they had it all the time. My plan for this is to sit back and try to be happy with them and hope it brings better times and hopefully a good decision from me to them. I'm I in love with these people or do I just love them. I hate their attitude sometimes, especially sadness for no reason. That is definitely at the top of my most hated list, I HATE UNNECESSARY SADNESS. It drives me absolutely crazy. Why be like that! My mom always tell me to love and care for your friends, but the more I care the more I don't care. It is truly tearing me apart. Listening to people joke with me about it, looking them in the face, gaining new appreciation for other people I might like, and of course feeling awkward towards them. Man I try to breathe, but lately its been a short supply on air. So many questions, never enough answers. I want to just have a huge argument and end it, yet I want to have an intimate moment with them and finally connecting ourselves again. I wish I never screwed up in freshman year, I know not all of it is my fault, but I still feel responsible. A once trusted friend of mine said I gave ten percent and they gave fifthteen. Who is right and who is wrong. This is why I have no fate in Christianity life can be such a waste sometimes. This is why I;m not scared of death, not meaning I want to die. I just want to finish high school, go to college, join the army, have a more than excellent job as a engineer, street race, get married, have a family, grow old and die happily with a single tear dropping from my face while my love ones surround me. But with these people. with this person I feel stuck thinking on do I want it with them or not. All I can say is I do love them, but now I must ask am I in love with them, then that's when I'll make my decision.